Determine my own writing style
Prompt
Analyze the text below for style, voice, and tone.
Penance makes me cringe. Service sounds better.
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[PROMPT]
When I think about all of the people walking around suffering, it leads me to focusing on my own self-created pains. Is it true that suffering is created by ourselves even if we are blind to it? I like to think that I am hyper-aware, yet two things from this weekend stand out for examination.
One: When I said that Meredith’s friend can be neurotic.
Two: My visceral reaction to Shauna’s heartfelt text message. I want to type in “seemingly” but that is my own shit. What if it was heartfelt and that I deserve those sentiments? Do I see myself as being unworthy of appreciation? That it’s ok for me to show gratitude toward and to others but not receiving it myself?
Perhaps this has been a self-imposed antidote to narcissism or ego. Or perhaps its a different form of narcissism all together. Why can I not just say “thank you” and carry on?
There are two faces of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerability. I’m convinced that all of us have narcissistic tendencies of one form or the other. Time to add research from Transcend in here.
This inability to receive has many ramifications. Do I not deserve to be shown kindness and gratitude? What did I do to encourage such strong resentment toward my self? Tis better to give than receive.
Why? So that we don’t owe anyone anything? Who are we to deny ourselves these moments of connection? Is my relationship to giving such that I am not sitting and being present. Let me tell you a story.
I used to be the worst at Christmas. I’d open up presents under the tree simply to manage my own expectations. Faking excitement and gratitude for gifts created a ton of anxiety for myself. I know this sounds awful, but sitting around my grandparents house with all of my aunts and uncles, waiting for a present to open, the anxiety would rage. What if I don’t like it? How do I convey gratitude and excitement when I may not like what Im being given? Ironically, when I would give gifts, I put so much thought into the process, “gosh, I hope my sister likes this…” why would I not think that the same consideration was coming my way? Did I not deserve it? It got so bad that I used to sneak out in the middle of the night, open presents, investigate, then carefully place the tape BACK onto the present once I saw what I was going to get in 1, 3, 10, 20 days. All so that I could properly manage my own expectations and feign enthusiasm when and where appropriate. Wow did I love Christmas when I was younger. As a young person my relationship with it changed. ’Tis better to give than receive. Where did that come from and boy did I take that to heart. I loved watching other people open gifts that I either made or carefully chose, saved up for, whatever. However, I despised getting gifts from others. What if I didn’t like it? What if they were disappointed in my reaction. I used to sneak and open the gifts and carefully hide the offense. It wasn’t because I was I couldn’t wait to see what I was getting, it was to manage my own expectations. Not much changed over the years.
Now one night, I decided to open the family gift. Every year my parents would purchase a present for all of us, my brother, my sister, and myself. I carefully removed the tape, the box was the size of a shirt box though heavier. As I extricated the box from the paper and removed the lid, out popped a crucifix.
I thought for sure I was going to hell for eternity.
I didn’t. And other than my own guilt, there weren’t ramifications either. Of course this was a slippery slope, being mischievous and not getting in trouble for it. I could just go to confession and all of my sins would be forgiven, right?
The movie Dogma nailed it.
I’ll catch it most of the time, but on Thanksgiving we had a few bottles of wine and my more basic tendencies revealed themselves after I got that text. Around the table “wow, that’s so nice!” Why does that bother you? I had to do some examination over the next couple of days and be honest with myself. Perhaps I DO deserve it. Or am I doing/not doing something that would lead me to feel unworthy?
When she’s in “doing” mode it makes me want to hide.
Can I just say “thank you” and be present for that particular moment? Notice how it makes me feel before reacting?
Relationship between giving and receiving. Throughout my life I’ve had such an overwhelming ability to give that I was always sacrificing myself. I’ve lost out on a lot because I have not been able to find that neutral point when I give and receive. This message is about learning to stop giving when you know it is not in a proper balance for you to do so. Recognizing the boundaries that we require to harness the energy for yourself. We do not need to learn these lessons again after this lifetime. So please let this be the life experience where first you open up to receive and then if it feels good, you can give.
We are still in the flow of giving and receiving, but it’s only the indicator that’s telling you this is imbalanced and we need you to take a step back and receive so that it can really balance. It’s almost like the ecosystem of our life experience and that it just balances itself. If we are giving too much and not allowing ourselves to be filled with what you get to receive from what you do, then the whole energy ecosystem is off balance. It’s like someone’s walking with a limp, something isn’t fully in alignment.
When I feel the sensation or the pulls on my right side, I need to step back and that’s actually when I hold myelf back from giving. I’m still in the flow of give/receive, but it’s only the indicator that’s telling me this is imbalanced and I need to take a step back and receive so that it can really balance. It’s almost like the ecosystem of my life experience and that it just balances itself. Like if I am giving too much and not allowing myself to be filled with what I get to receive from what I do, then my whole energy ecosystem is, It’s like there’s kind of like someone’s walking with a limp, like there’s just something that’s not totally in alignment. So this also pertains to that bigger energy experience.
I am so supported by this energy that they’re saying it’s greatness and it is asking me to keep my attention and focus on myself and on the task at hand. Don’t be overly distracted. ask for everything to be consolidated and condensed in this one channel that I am able to give and take from.
Does it feel good to give? Give only when it feels good and right, not because of some other obligation or attachment. This balance of yin/yang, divine feminine and masculine,
What are you receiving that feels energy depleting? Like its taking away from you or distracting you from what feels better? It’s our responsibility to tune into what we want to be around and the frequency that’s going to make us feel good. Just because it’s there it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. **Be discerning about what you want and don’t want to communicate with.** Have energetic boundaries around and with. So it’s coming down to you being able to tune in to the energies and have an idea of its frequency and message. And then know if that is what you would like to engage in with or not. When you see them ask and you’re going to use your method (BLS) to ask who are you? listen, and then speak. “Yes. I’m open to communicate with you. No, I’m not open at all. I will communicate with you later”.
They don’t want you to give. You can receive, you can listen and let them speak and share; it’s not about you having to comfort, give, inspire, encourage. It’s so much about just really listening, receiving, and taking in whatever needs to come in. So really be conscientious about like sealing your lips, sealing the lips is allowing all of this energy to come through your crown without you giving. And what I felt was its like coming through your crown and instead of like you speaking and giving this way and it has the ability to like really land in your heart space and it’s like, you don’t even need to say anything, but like your heart is just radiating everything that they need to feel, see, hear or experience, like through your presence. And it just, is this like force of love? Oh my God. I like, I feel like they’ve never felt so loved, like in your presence.
When I look up, I’m aware. What really starts to pull that energy away is when I’m making eye contact with something specific. Break that. Even if I’m looking on my desk and there’s a stone; even that’s an exchange of energy. Break that eye contact and look down. This is very important as it’s containing all of the energy. You don’t need anything right now. You don’t need to give anything. When you look down you are receiving the energy through your crown, whatever you need and it’s filling you bottling us up. When you look down, it’s to give us a clean slate. So it’s like just the breaking the connection.
Even this experience that you are walking into (funeral) as you’re connecting with your family, they don’t want you to give. You can receive, you can listen and let them speak and share. It’s not about you having to comfort, give, inspire, encourage. It’s so much about you just really like listening, receiving, and taking in whatever needs to come in. So really be conscientious about sealing your lips.
Sealing the lips allows all of this energy to come through our crown without us giving. It’s coming through your crown and instead me speaking and giving this way, it has the ability to land in your heart space. You don’t even need to say anything; your heart is just radiating everything that they need to feel, see, hear or experience, like through your presence. This force of love…. It’s like they’ve never felt so loved in my presence. Specifically give heart centered hugs. So don’t hug on the left side, hug on the right. When you hug, make heart to heart contact. Really be deliberate about giving this heart-centered hug. There’s nothing that you need to say. In fact they don’t want you to say anything. Right now you are in preparation for this next part of your journey and you’re accumulating whatever energy experiences and impressions from others that you need. You have this concentrated force of energy that’s moving you.
Give only when it feels good.
I am worth celebrating. At the very least, we are biological beings capable of small kindness and terrifying destruction. This is a long way from dandelion DNA. We have the ability to create and destroy, to love and to diminish. To uplift and suppress. When we choose love, we lean into our higher calling, our better nature. This is not the easy way. We also need this relativiy. How do we recognize our better nature without intimate experience with our base instincts. When we have this relativity and actively choose the higher self we evolve at a greater clip. It’s like skipping Go landing on Indiana. So its reasonable to respond in a less than noble way and then lean into love.
Give only when it feels good
I am worth celebrating.
The great I am.
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Please write in English language.
Prompt Hint
Determine my own writing style